journal: tending to gardens
Jul. 16th, 2024 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
liptintedrun of the mill update post on what's been going on lately...
i meant to write this earlier but i keep blanking out and getting distracted. life has been weird lately i guess. plenty of things to be preoccupied with and yet i feel my anxieties getting worse <3 first of all, i am tired from overworking in june. i do like what i do but i have reached overcapacity so taking it very slow by purposely taking my Monday morning off from work...only realizing how tired i truly am in the process. but we move.
fandom life has been.. okay too? i guess. i feel like i haven't been actively tuned so much into fandom. got into iwtv thanks to cofi, and i'm enjoying it SO much, i love it <333 TV is so good guys. i haven't watched television like that in a while so i need the extra push like company to be able to start now. evenings last week were sometimes spent just watching / or trying to watch stuff with c if the internet connection isn't killing the vibe. she fell sick after the weekend so now i have to wait for her recovery.. miss her thru my phone. also this is the same thing with movies - if it's not going to the theatre to watch something with sister or a random movie we pick for dinner on occasion, then i'm so glad whenever plum brings up movie time with risa and june. attention span alone is shot.
i wish i had more energy to do stuff but these days i can't even gather enough focused energy to gif more than a single interview.. my last set i was proud of was done last week yes and it's just 1418 years-long crush set. been meaning to finally do that for months, so it's a relief to get that out of the way... the world must see these thangs.. the folder i kept all the files in is titled 'liar liar' for lance 😚 i've definitely gone over my goal of making 50 gifsets this year, lol i did not realize how easy it would be to keep this up when you decide to gif a post-media session or two almost every race weekend. writing has been... it's still been tough, but at this point i can't even excuse myself with being busy, i have just had zero energy. i said to sadie "I WANT TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT IT AGAIN AND GET BACK INTO IT THIS MONTH" and meanwhile it is now 16th of july..barely touched my current 2477 wip. every bit of progress should be celebrated. still would call it a good thing that i joined ficmix, i think joining fests are the kind of incentive i once again need to try to do some things.
also, been catching up and tuning in regularly with my fave vlogger's new podcast... my crush miss sarah pan...... in her series "soju with sarah" with an episode about adult friendships.
something i was really feeling from the vid was how miss sarah says as you get older you tend to categorize certain friendships. there might be an overlap of the different people in your life and it gets easier to manage expectations and maintain them by knowing when and where the lines are. it's like, a couple of my old co-workers have actually been my college friends and while i was lucky enough to have that familiarity and bond stay with me past graduation for the first few years of my career, i have also recognized those to be situational friendships with the kind of people that were homogenous (ppl within a similar age group with similar walks of life). had i known about this earlier though, i think i would have been much more open to saying yes to social things a lot more often with co-workers who were very different when i was still in [previous country] but at the same time...i would have moved away anyway. recognizing situational friendships was extremely helpful in curbing my own homesickness when i'm looking at ig. when i'm homesick, i don't know if i'm really missing like...a certain vibe or if i am just missing an idea of something i was content with before but don't necessarily need now. that being said, i do need to meet new people here in the city lol. the internship last year was good, and again feeling very #blessed i got to meet good people. i feel like the only reason why i haven't gone crazy is because i like being alone too much and am good at it...point still stands that i should join more stuff to meet new people. sarah's voice is so soothing, i'm so happy she started a pod series :') love her..
my anxieties feel like they're getting worse and i always just think of how stupid i feel after talking to people...I MEAN.. my own interiorities prevent me from believing it when ppl tell me how much they like my company or admire or respect the things i do and i get even more blah about it when i'm alone. i don't know. i don't think this feeling is unbearable tbh, it is bad on the most crappiest of days but i've learned to just deal with it as it just is. finally hitting a certain age and having your twenties come to an end means things don't stop. but also, you really just learn to live and let live. (edit: woke up and read this entry over and let me just say obviously your girl is going through a mini spiral but we r good overall 👍 it's cyclical) im in a much better headspace than years ago because i do feel like i'm a lot more intentional now with nurturing friendships, even online. nothing ever feels like enough, and yet it is etc etc. constantly amazed at being around genuinely sweet and wonderfully talented oomfs especially in the sphere of fandom, which i always say to cofi is something that feels extremely ephemeral on a site like freaking tumblr.. one thing about twitter is that i could backread very easily and keep up with mutuals, but tumblr makes it impossible to sift through all the noise that i just do nawt care about. i've talked about this with plum before, with how there are always windows of opportunities with people and that after a certain time, it feels like that window you meant to wave at has closed.. adulting is so difficult but we try our hardest.
i probably should get some focus back in my life. i think my attitude towards most things make it somewhat apparent to people that i am the sort of person with a lot of self-imposed baggage and i tend to speak somewhat derisively of myself and my own experiences. learned this during a job hunt consultation, and while it was for my career, the notion extends to other significant parts of my life LOL... girl who is never actually chill inside.
the other highlight of my days include getting froyo with toppings, delicious dessert at the little cart in a back alley in the neighborhood (they sell ganache kek batik, tiny lush cheese tarts and choco moist cake. tapak kuda too, with less nutella in its core so it isn't overwhelmingly heavy which i appreciate). food has made up so much of my small joys :) anyway signing off.
i meant to write this earlier but i keep blanking out and getting distracted. life has been weird lately i guess. plenty of things to be preoccupied with and yet i feel my anxieties getting worse <3 first of all, i am tired from overworking in june. i do like what i do but i have reached overcapacity so taking it very slow by purposely taking my Monday morning off from work...only realizing how tired i truly am in the process. but we move.
fandom life has been.. okay too? i guess. i feel like i haven't been actively tuned so much into fandom. got into iwtv thanks to cofi, and i'm enjoying it SO much, i love it <333 TV is so good guys. i haven't watched television like that in a while so i need the extra push like company to be able to start now. evenings last week were sometimes spent just watching / or trying to watch stuff with c if the internet connection isn't killing the vibe. she fell sick after the weekend so now i have to wait for her recovery.. miss her thru my phone. also this is the same thing with movies - if it's not going to the theatre to watch something with sister or a random movie we pick for dinner on occasion, then i'm so glad whenever plum brings up movie time with risa and june. attention span alone is shot.
i wish i had more energy to do stuff but these days i can't even gather enough focused energy to gif more than a single interview.. my last set i was proud of was done last week yes and it's just 1418 years-long crush set. been meaning to finally do that for months, so it's a relief to get that out of the way... the world must see these thangs.. the folder i kept all the files in is titled 'liar liar' for lance 😚 i've definitely gone over my goal of making 50 gifsets this year, lol i did not realize how easy it would be to keep this up when you decide to gif a post-media session or two almost every race weekend. writing has been... it's still been tough, but at this point i can't even excuse myself with being busy, i have just had zero energy. i said to sadie "I WANT TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT IT AGAIN AND GET BACK INTO IT THIS MONTH" and meanwhile it is now 16th of july..barely touched my current 2477 wip. every bit of progress should be celebrated. still would call it a good thing that i joined ficmix, i think joining fests are the kind of incentive i once again need to try to do some things.
also, been catching up and tuning in regularly with my fave vlogger's new podcast... my crush miss sarah pan...... in her series "soju with sarah" with an episode about adult friendships.
something i was really feeling from the vid was how miss sarah says as you get older you tend to categorize certain friendships. there might be an overlap of the different people in your life and it gets easier to manage expectations and maintain them by knowing when and where the lines are. it's like, a couple of my old co-workers have actually been my college friends and while i was lucky enough to have that familiarity and bond stay with me past graduation for the first few years of my career, i have also recognized those to be situational friendships with the kind of people that were homogenous (ppl within a similar age group with similar walks of life). had i known about this earlier though, i think i would have been much more open to saying yes to social things a lot more often with co-workers who were very different when i was still in [previous country] but at the same time...i would have moved away anyway. recognizing situational friendships was extremely helpful in curbing my own homesickness when i'm looking at ig. when i'm homesick, i don't know if i'm really missing like...a certain vibe or if i am just missing an idea of something i was content with before but don't necessarily need now. that being said, i do need to meet new people here in the city lol. the internship last year was good, and again feeling very #blessed i got to meet good people. i feel like the only reason why i haven't gone crazy is because i like being alone too much and am good at it...point still stands that i should join more stuff to meet new people. sarah's voice is so soothing, i'm so happy she started a pod series :') love her..
my anxieties feel like they're getting worse and i always just think of how stupid i feel after talking to people...I MEAN.. my own interiorities prevent me from believing it when ppl tell me how much they like my company or admire or respect the things i do and i get even more blah about it when i'm alone. i don't know. i don't think this feeling is unbearable tbh, it is bad on the most crappiest of days but i've learned to just deal with it as it just is. finally hitting a certain age and having your twenties come to an end means things don't stop. but also, you really just learn to live and let live. (edit: woke up and read this entry over and let me just say obviously your girl is going through a mini spiral but we r good overall 👍 it's cyclical) im in a much better headspace than years ago because i do feel like i'm a lot more intentional now with nurturing friendships, even online. nothing ever feels like enough, and yet it is etc etc. constantly amazed at being around genuinely sweet and wonderfully talented oomfs especially in the sphere of fandom, which i always say to cofi is something that feels extremely ephemeral on a site like freaking tumblr.. one thing about twitter is that i could backread very easily and keep up with mutuals, but tumblr makes it impossible to sift through all the noise that i just do nawt care about. i've talked about this with plum before, with how there are always windows of opportunities with people and that after a certain time, it feels like that window you meant to wave at has closed.. adulting is so difficult but we try our hardest.
i probably should get some focus back in my life. i think my attitude towards most things make it somewhat apparent to people that i am the sort of person with a lot of self-imposed baggage and i tend to speak somewhat derisively of myself and my own experiences. learned this during a job hunt consultation, and while it was for my career, the notion extends to other significant parts of my life LOL... girl who is never actually chill inside.
the other highlight of my days include getting froyo with toppings, delicious dessert at the little cart in a back alley in the neighborhood (they sell ganache kek batik, tiny lush cheese tarts and choco moist cake. tapak kuda too, with less nutella in its core so it isn't overwhelmingly heavy which i appreciate). food has made up so much of my small joys :) anyway signing off.