2021 year-end review
Dec. 25th, 2021 06:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
liptintedit's been a very strange year to say the least. i won't do the usual format to my year-end review in writing post because it's all just too much to really parse through or recall and i doubt i'd have many things to say about all of my fics, even the ones i'm proud of tbqh. so i'm just going to get to the heart of it and pick the questions that interest me and will ultimately dovetail into why i still write the things i do and why i still find it so enjoyable.
total finished fic count: 11
word count: roughly 41k words
fics orphaned this year: none.
fandoms:
idol rpf: wayv (7), everglow (2), pentagon and (g)-idle (1)
movies: Little Forest (2018) (1)
i'm unpacking some things here...
favourite opening line
i'll start with this because this opening line is one example that condenses why i still write for idol rpf--not what i wrote hendery to be saying here with regards to telling winwin to grow a spine lol but, to give context, the fact that he makes a reference to something he'd told winwin before on camera where there's an audience (see wayv's secret santa gift-giving sesh in christmas of 2019), in contrast to how he really feels about what he'd said in retrospect, within the fic "there are no parts". it's literally just the contrast between performative, and the possibilities to all the parts we don't see about them, that makes idol rpf--canon idolverse specifically--fun and interesting. i've gone past writing aus only to be like chewing my fingers while feeling insane when i get an idea for canon idol fic that i really wanna commit myself to like, man... MAN. that's when i feel crazy alive in my word editor.
i don't have any favourite closing lines, but i definitely do have favourite lines connecting to themes that recurred enough times.
favourite lines from any fics:
more lines touching on conscious performance versus honesty and its boundaries:
five plus five is nine:
curse to break:
there's also the theme of time or the lack thereof, as a looming deciding factor in an idol's career. dealing with the changes it brings, which i explored in future fic. i think time affects leaders and older members in more interesting ways though, which is why i thought of the time loop concept for kun-centric "when you see me out" and well, for a girl group it's just...genuinely depressing, i'm sighing. i feel sorry i didn't get to write for gg jukebox, which is now unfortunately one of two fests i signed up for this year but couldn't submit anything due to real life getting in the way.
some lines on time; "Consolation" is cpop survival show au but it counts lol:
Consolation:
when you see me out:
paying our bills:at the end of the day:
i could have been writing about other things within canon idol fic but honestly all the bleak shit i've focused on can probably partly be explained by me not truly working through what happened when i was still into exo-m. look, i know someone out there is groaning, and that whole fiasco was in 2014 but hear me out--exo was the reason i really got into kpop and idol rpf as a whole, even if i didn't start writing until 2018 for another band lol. please note that my leftover feelings of grief is very much separate from the recent detainment news of a former member being a literal criminal, so i doubt anyone reading this would, but please don't like...take what i say here about exo-m in this post and conflate that with kris wu's arrest.
after 2014, i stepped away from exo fandom and kpop ficdom as a whole, so even when ztao went on that hiatus to file his lawsuit in like...2015 and eventually leave, i knew of it, but was completely unaffected, which is kind of crazy to me because all of what i've written so far now is influenced by my time loving this band, influenced by my favourite writers in the ficdom pre-departures, that now i really don't understand how i could have just let something go so easily. because omg i genuinely put my whole heart into this fandom--i made friends online, i got my irls into this stupid doomed band as well AND i was making embarrassing fan art!! i didn't cry when anybody left, thank god for that i guess, but that's also because i don't think i gave myself time to even reflect. i won't get into the details too much, i was just so sick of the split fandom reaction on all sides that i didn't want anything to do with it anymore, except i didn't exorcise anything cleanly because clearly, i still insert and reference their former members in the wayv fic i've written this year:
Consolation:
curse to break:
it's just really funny that after all this time, i'm still fueled by the person i was in 2014 who was heartbroken over those blurry pics of hzt lingering around the doors of sm's company building in a teary wreck just weeks before exo's first ever full concert, right after a member just up and left. yes, i'm pretty sure i did not fever dream up those pics, yes everyone is an unreliable narrator of events such as these. i would never want to go through this again, but consider that all the in-betweens as a series, is also just a veiled love letter to exo-m and the love i had for them, and once i end the series and mark it as complete, it will be my love letter to wayv too.
wayv have had a really...well, rough year to say the least, and i don't even think their current situation is the worst of it yet but considering all other factors, it's looking pretty miserable for them. sm merely putting lucas on a hiatus without having yet made any decision to just rip out the weeds, or tear off the bandaid or whatever, while they push out borderline emotionally manipulative healing camping videos of the other members IS actually awkward loool. it doesn't make sense for me to just drop off of the fandom, as bitter and upset as i was since lucas was one of my faves in the group, so the effects of it on the group suck, and i hate labelv for recklessly and stupidly putting all their eggs in one basket the way they did for two and half years like that. i did orphan half of my luhen fic even before the scandal broke out because i was already feeling weirdly negative and losing interest in fandom as a whole, but even now i'm still hesitant to orphan the one luhen fic i wrote this year for olymfics. writing fic revolving around these events is just me coming to terms with what happened, and what might happen to wayv as a unit ie. silent dissolvement/disbandment. i won't say it's fun, because writing as a process is mostly not very fun, but i love it anyway, and i can't tell you how truly comforting it is to still be able to find joy in doing it.
i think a lot of fic writers err on putting out fic about these situations and its effects because their personal feelings get in the way, and it's not even just younger writers. that's fine, and it can be a bit difficult to write about things like this, only because if it doesn't work, it ends up just coming off like self-projection, which is...fine to some extent if only because it's just fic but self-projection in narration can only go so far. obvs everyone can agree to disagree and self-projection that isn't realistic bothers me a bit just because i like to think about interpersonal relationships becoming strained, relationships breaking apart or growing stronger, and just changing in general as a result. it's just kind of a shame that i don't really come across idol fic that explores this a lot as an aftermath to an event. given what i write about, i guess this is also where the coping and accepting comes in. some things are what they are no matter what we prefer to think about these idols we adore and that applies to their members as well. some fans may be used to solo stanning, but that could never really be me let's be real. i would go on a whole tangent about why i took the approach i did in "at the end of the day" winhen future fic re: luhen after what happened, but i already have over-extended fic notes here. writing that whole fic was literally me coping and accepting what may be and what we as fans are not entitled to. i mean, the coping works--now all i think about is inserting that mess into the 5k-word fic of my dreams exploring hendery sleeping around with another member(s), psychosexual issues and all.
anyways, i guess that brings me to the recurring forms of communication that i write in a lot of the fic this year being either through text, or just the classic silence. the lack of communication and things unsaid:
when you see me out:
total finished fic count: 11
word count: roughly 41k words
fics orphaned this year: none.
fandoms:
idol rpf: wayv (7), everglow (2), pentagon and (g)-idle (1)
movies: Little Forest (2018) (1)
i'm unpacking some things here...
favourite opening line
“I don’t really know why I told you to grow a stronger spine, in so many words,” Hendery said, his hands clasped together under his jacket from the cold.
i'll start with this because this opening line is one example that condenses why i still write for idol rpf--not what i wrote hendery to be saying here with regards to telling winwin to grow a spine lol but, to give context, the fact that he makes a reference to something he'd told winwin before on camera where there's an audience (see wayv's secret santa gift-giving sesh in christmas of 2019), in contrast to how he really feels about what he'd said in retrospect, within the fic "there are no parts". it's literally just the contrast between performative, and the possibilities to all the parts we don't see about them, that makes idol rpf--canon idolverse specifically--fun and interesting. i've gone past writing aus only to be like chewing my fingers while feeling insane when i get an idea for canon idol fic that i really wanna commit myself to like, man... MAN. that's when i feel crazy alive in my word editor.
i don't have any favourite closing lines, but i definitely do have favourite lines connecting to themes that recurred enough times.
favourite lines from any fics:
more lines touching on conscious performance versus honesty and its boundaries:
five plus five is nine:
Yanan might have been right about Yuqi not being able to lie, but she thinks it’s because he can’t either.
It isn't often that Hendery wishes he was a better liar; being funny and smiling big worked in his favour most of the time. But if he was a better liar, it'd make everything easier. Maybe he'd stop feeling like he needed to scratch at something, desperate and holding on. On the other hand, Sicheng put up walls a little better, out of necessity.
there's also the theme of time or the lack thereof, as a looming deciding factor in an idol's career. dealing with the changes it brings, which i explored in future fic. i think time affects leaders and older members in more interesting ways though, which is why i thought of the time loop concept for kun-centric "when you see me out" and well, for a girl group it's just...genuinely depressing, i'm sighing. i feel sorry i didn't get to write for gg jukebox, which is now unfortunately one of two fests i signed up for this year but couldn't submit anything due to real life getting in the way.
some lines on time; "Consolation" is cpop survival show au but it counts lol:
Consolation:
Yangyang can relax while his company leans more into what they think he should do instead of putting him in the lineup of an upcoming junior group. They argue the solo thing is doable, that he’ll have sponsorships and deals too and that he can sustain a few more solid years ahead of him before irrelevance eclipses him and he loses a part of his fanbase. Probably the older girlfriends and the moms, Yangyang says, and Hendery answers, maybe not until your wedding day.
when you see me out:
"What if we had too much time?" // Chenle doesn't laugh. "That's no good; you'd take too long getting somewhere, Kun-ge. Not me, though. [...]
paying our bills:
Sihyeon closed her eyes again. There was that weird, numbing sense of detachment, like she'd grown cold at the joints in her body. Only, if someone were to take her apart, dismantle the ticking clock and dissect all that she was worth, she wondered if she could ever put herself back together again.
It didn’t make sense at first: years ago, when the homesickness was at its worst and all they knew how to do at one point when they could talk among themselves, was complain and vent comfortably, in a language that the majority of the staff and other trainees couldn’t catch onto. [...] Years later, no one batted an eye when Kun said he'd made up his mind for real, done with carrying the cross for a unit that hadn't had any group promotions for months.
after 2014, i stepped away from exo fandom and kpop ficdom as a whole, so even when ztao went on that hiatus to file his lawsuit in like...2015 and eventually leave, i knew of it, but was completely unaffected, which is kind of crazy to me because all of what i've written so far now is influenced by my time loving this band, influenced by my favourite writers in the ficdom pre-departures, that now i really don't understand how i could have just let something go so easily. because omg i genuinely put my whole heart into this fandom--i made friends online, i got my irls into this stupid doomed band as well AND i was making embarrassing fan art!! i didn't cry when anybody left, thank god for that i guess, but that's also because i don't think i gave myself time to even reflect. i won't get into the details too much, i was just so sick of the split fandom reaction on all sides that i didn't want anything to do with it anymore, except i didn't exorcise anything cleanly because clearly, i still insert and reference their former members in the wayv fic i've written this year:
Consolation:
Mentoring for these shows was easy enough when it was summarised as a quality check: telling trainees to polish these parts, do it better, make it different, sing louder, smile brighter, but not too big lest it made you look too eager. The whole nurturing thing, taking in ambitious people to make them better, and being the compass to help enrich lives, or whatever that people like Zhang Yixing, Huang Zitao, or even Kun, actually love to do—that was different, and Ten knew it. [...] It used to be like hearing an old dynasty riddle Yangyang couldn't grasp; you looked at some people and wondered, how different were they from you?
there are no parts:
At some point--three years in, Sicheng was out of it in radio shows and interviews, eyes on Taeyong's flame-red hair in front of him, flickering out of focus. The company had a way of making their best seem like legends, except Zhang Yixing was someone Sicheng had already met in passing, which meant carving out something for himself shouldn't feel like an old fantasy if he just waited it out. "Zhang Yixing is known for keeping his head down and getting through everything with an unshakable sense of faith and hard work. Tell me all those articles that say that about him aren't true," a friend from Zhong Xi said once, disbelieving.
curse to break:
Back then during training, they'd watched exclusive interviews of seniors and former ones, that hadn't been released to the public. It was a little ironic how now, they're hardly ever asked any similar questions of 'have you thought about giving up?' for press interviews. Don't do that, that's a mistake right there, they were told, as Lu Han onscreen tried and failed to hide a smile too cheeky to be appropriate, and Huang Zitao grinned, unapologetic through his answer: oh yeah, I lost count of how many times I almost walked out, crying. Most of that stuff now? Those questions were saved for talking heads on group reality TV footage that WayV had done throughout their debut year, with uplifting piano music in the background in the name of ambition. It isn't often that Hendery wishes he was a better liar; being funny and smiling big worked in his favour most of the time. But if he was a better liar, it'd make everything easier.
it's just really funny that after all this time, i'm still fueled by the person i was in 2014 who was heartbroken over those blurry pics of hzt lingering around the doors of sm's company building in a teary wreck just weeks before exo's first ever full concert, right after a member just up and left. yes, i'm pretty sure i did not fever dream up those pics, yes everyone is an unreliable narrator of events such as these. i would never want to go through this again, but consider that all the in-betweens as a series, is also just a veiled love letter to exo-m and the love i had for them, and once i end the series and mark it as complete, it will be my love letter to wayv too.
wayv have had a really...well, rough year to say the least, and i don't even think their current situation is the worst of it yet but considering all other factors, it's looking pretty miserable for them. sm merely putting lucas on a hiatus without having yet made any decision to just rip out the weeds, or tear off the bandaid or whatever, while they push out borderline emotionally manipulative healing camping videos of the other members IS actually awkward loool. it doesn't make sense for me to just drop off of the fandom, as bitter and upset as i was since lucas was one of my faves in the group, so the effects of it on the group suck, and i hate labelv for recklessly and stupidly putting all their eggs in one basket the way they did for two and half years like that. i did orphan half of my luhen fic even before the scandal broke out because i was already feeling weirdly negative and losing interest in fandom as a whole, but even now i'm still hesitant to orphan the one luhen fic i wrote this year for olymfics. writing fic revolving around these events is just me coming to terms with what happened, and what might happen to wayv as a unit ie. silent dissolvement/disbandment. i won't say it's fun, because writing as a process is mostly not very fun, but i love it anyway, and i can't tell you how truly comforting it is to still be able to find joy in doing it.
i think a lot of fic writers err on putting out fic about these situations and its effects because their personal feelings get in the way, and it's not even just younger writers. that's fine, and it can be a bit difficult to write about things like this, only because if it doesn't work, it ends up just coming off like self-projection, which is...fine to some extent if only because it's just fic but self-projection in narration can only go so far. obvs everyone can agree to disagree and self-projection that isn't realistic bothers me a bit just because i like to think about interpersonal relationships becoming strained, relationships breaking apart or growing stronger, and just changing in general as a result. it's just kind of a shame that i don't really come across idol fic that explores this a lot as an aftermath to an event. given what i write about, i guess this is also where the coping and accepting comes in. some things are what they are no matter what we prefer to think about these idols we adore and that applies to their members as well. some fans may be used to solo stanning, but that could never really be me let's be real. i would go on a whole tangent about why i took the approach i did in "at the end of the day" winhen future fic re: luhen after what happened, but i already have over-extended fic notes here. writing that whole fic was literally me coping and accepting what may be and what we as fans are not entitled to. i mean, the coping works--now all i think about is inserting that mess into the 5k-word fic of my dreams exploring hendery sleeping around with another member(s), psychosexual issues and all.
anyways, i guess that brings me to the recurring forms of communication that i write in a lot of the fic this year being either through text, or just the classic silence. the lack of communication and things unsaid:
at the end of the day:
Technically, truthfully, though it doesn't really matter now—Hendery hadn't been the last to know that Sicheng was leaving. Then again, when Sicheng told Lucas, it was more like a confirmation that yes, he was set to sign the papers when Lucas asked him if it was true. It'd all been through text; Have a nice life didn't sound as personal and biting as Sicheng intended it to be in the moment. The thing about cold wars was that they learned how to read what wasn't being said out loud anymore [...]
curse to break:
He thinks he might have seen a flash of guilt, something else cutting across Sicheng's face. Maybe that meant something at one point a year ago, but even then, Hendery'd carelessly taken attention from Sicheng for a distraction. A nice distraction nonetheless [...]
paying our bills:
"I wanted to save myself," Sihyeon explains, or tries to. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing you if I'd had you.
when you see me out:
"I have," Sicheng said, sure and steadfast. Even then he was gentle about it. Besides having their own curated playlist consisting of Jay Chou's Greatest Hits, it was the one thing he and Sicheng had in common. Kun suddenly resented the fact briefly in the moment. Only briefly.
i know this is a sex pollen fic but pls humour me
we have insurance:
Hendery looks at him now, solemn and waiting. Winwin almost reaches out to tilt his chin up gently—maybe it'd reassure Hendery, or the both of them, and maybe Hendery will brush his fingers over Winwin's pulse on his wrist, and his eyes will soften in a smile. // Instead, Winwin keeps his hands by his side, slotting one in his pocket. “Alright then."
surprises this year
the fact that i am still finding it in me to continue writing is already a surprise, but aside from that, finding ways to write tropes like time loop and bodyswap...also a little bit of this experimental svt 8jun accidental soulbond drabble. also writing very short post-canon fic about a movie, that's very surprising and i was just basically speed writing while riding off the gentle high of watching a comforting movie.
year-end reviews usually end with goals, but i don't have goals for next year. i went into this year actively thinking to write less, which i did achieve, if i count in the orphaned fic for my total no. of words in 2020. i think joining kpop fmix and a round of gg jukebox with it being in the later half of the year, which is always disastrous to me, is something i should probably not do for next year....well we'll see. no idea where i'll be in the next year but all in all, i've tried so many new things creatively, that i'm proud of, so i feel like i can rest for a little bit. unless something comes up and puts me in a chokehold so strong i'm like shaking, crying, throwing up and dying in my word editor. who knows. let's remain hopeful <3
merry christmas!
no subject
Date: 2021-12-27 02:50 am (UTC)i love reading your thoughts on groups affected by scandal, and how that's impacted you and your writing and helped you work through your own feelings. i don't think i ever would have guessed you felt that strongly about exo but it's so interesting. TT_____TT thank you for sharing it was a joy to read and your outlook on writing is so easy to want!
no subject
Date: 2021-12-27 03:38 pm (UTC)